Abandon all weakness, ye who enter here.

5 Reasons You Need a Strongman Best Friend

Drenched with sweat, breathing heavy, and working every muscle, you...

...r friend finally pushes your stalled car to the nearest gas station. Aren't you grateful to have a strongman as a best friend?

Let me tell you, there are some crazy good benefits to having a professional strongman be your best friend. Other than the obvious of course, and I wanna further emphasize 'professional', not just an everyday gym rat who loves to show muscles off but can't put in three minutes of functional work. A real, professional strongman is in a higher caliber of strength, although there are plenty of strongmen without profession, and for you, this has some damn good fringe benefits.

1. Your dinner parties will never be boring again.

Sweet toddler Moses, you can't seriously tell me you organized another lackluster dinner party with your uncle Joe telling the same bad jokes as two weeks ago, and your guests questioning their life decisions.

Well, invite your strongman friend over and BAM, your dinner parties are the talk of the town. Oh sure, any dinner party can have catered food and music; how many have a ferocious specimen of man-sapiens bending metal rebar with his hands like he's wrapping a fajita? When you've got a party with a super strong buddy who can lift Tom off the floor when he's had one too many, you've got a friend indeed.

Disclaimer: Professional strongmen do this for a living, so if you end up with a bill for lifting Tom off the floor, don't let that put a damper on your friendship, eh?

Speaking of lifting things...

2. Say goodbye to your back problems!

Did you go ahead and buy that 119 inch flat screen plasma HDTV with the surround sound stereo system, even though you're barely strong enough for the remote? That's no reason not to live your dreams, especially when you've got a strongman for a friend.

There's no need to display your machismo by slipping three disks in your back with a complimentary hernia; call over the strongman and, if it can fit through the door, your plasma is as good as set-up. Heavy furniture, heavy tools, heavy bags of things to stuff your face with, strongmen are pretty versatile when it comes to lifting. Feel free to tip copiously.

3. It's like being best friends with Michelangelo.

Paintings? That's so 1500's. Figurines? You know your friends are gonna “accidentally” break those ugly things the first chance they get. A shiny, hand bent, twisted piece of Mother Nature's bone marrow as a centerpiece?

Beautiful piece hand bent by Dan Cenidoza

NOW we're talking. If there's one thing professional strongmen train, it's grip strength, as if having the strength to drag a 8,000+ lbs firetruck like a kiddy wagon wasn't enough. Having enough strength in one pinky to make your average arm wrestler say a few Hail Mary's comes with it's advantages; this just so happens to include taking thick pieces of metal and bending them enough to sell at the nearest pretzel stand.

No, really...(Dennis Rogers, Grandmaster Strongman)

It's unique, it comes in different shapes and sizes, and it's completely badass. Or should I say, it's totally metal. Sorry.

4. Prepare to die and go to Culinary Valhalla. 

A strongman needs a strong diet, and if a strongman doesn't make a mean meal to fuel their Vesuvius like metabolisms, they know someone who does. You just happen to be the lucky soul who gets to dine with them. Whether they're a healthy vegan or a Jurassic carnivore, you can believe that a strongman knows just the right foods to fuel a body and bless a palate. (Again, or they know someone who does. Behind many a good strongman is a strongwoman with the power of a dying star condensed into a spatula.)

5. Your workouts will never be boring again. 

Feel like you have to call upon every ancient Roman, Greek, Egyptian, and modern god to give you enough energy to walk into the gym, do some repetitive movements, die slowly on the elliptical, and convince yourself that you've made progress? Not a problem with a strongman as a friend. Put that dumbbell down for a second. Okay, grab this teapot looking thingy and snatch (it's called a kettlebell by the by). Cool, now take this hammer that looks like Thor dropped it on his last vacation, and swing it.

He's up all night to get Loki. Okay, I'm sorry.

Done? Great, now take these chains and try to pull them apart like you're job interviewing for Superman. Professional strongmen have access to some pretty cool tools that you'll never find anywhere within a 2 mile radius of your kushy local gym.

It pays to have powerful friends.